By now, you probably have almost everything you’ve always wanted. The chubby bull dog, the baby, the adorable house, the partner who will never leave you, and your loving family who supports you.
it’s amazing how quickly you were able to make all that happen.
i’m proud of you. and jealous… of course, jealous.
i never wanted to not have all those things too—i guess they come easier for others or perhaps, those who are wiling to make sacrifices.
and where am i? do i have the baby? the adorable house? the partner who will never leave me?
no … and I’m not sure when I will see those things.
what do I have in the time that has passed between us?
Sprout. although, now he’s “shared” between me and my ex.
I had a ring … for her … but b/c of many things, mostly dealing with me, I felt I was forcing it to prove something to me, to you, to her. to the what the world says …
i could’ve had the house, and the other house (in Vermont), and then we would’ve tried for that baby in a few years… A successful gardner and a documentary filmmaker… perfect. All of our friends thought so… even now, a big part of me wishes I didn’t step away.
and maybe you would’ve predicted that. but … I didn’t.
so again, what do I have?
Joyce (my friend who lives under bridge by my place). Knowing her—and having the time/heart—to know her..has opened my eyes/thoughts in ways most people pretend to have them open to.
My family. Bitter and estranged from them before—events (ie. my grandmother losing her job & home and coming to live with me) has strengthened that bond…a bond that most animals, especially humans, should have—especially when, in this world, if you’re not related by blood or married—then no one is willing to stay that connected.
what else? is there anything else?
well, to awkwardly make a biblical reference, i have been thinking that maybe i am more destined to be like Paul than any other character in that book.
I have so much love to give, as you know, and it seems for both internal and external reasons that that love is more and more directed towards my community, the issues that are most critical (water/air/environmental rights, Homelessness, Drones, Transparency between Major Corporations & Government & Public, Gun Violence, inner city youth, rural area youth, and of course, Education)… Boiling it down to the ones most often sitting in the shadows, overlooked and unaware…the ones who are taken advantage but need a voice. Maybe my voice.
and I’ve taken to film to speak for them.
I’m working on two feature-length documentaries. I hope you see them. Still, even now… in everything I do, I hope it makes you proud. Even if it’s just the Rachael I used to know… I remember what she was passionate about (ie. the time we screamed over “The 11th Hour”) .. Tip. Of. the. Iceberg. Ps. Did you see “Chasing Ice”? or “Seoul Train”?
sigh. I wish I could talk to you about all these things. or maybe the other Rachael. How did this happen? It feels like yesterday—but it can’t be, b/c now a new life has been born. surely Time has passed.
I think that’s all I HAVE. I’m working on all the rest. and I suppose they’ll come when the time is right….and I’ll keep missing them and wanting them. and thinking of you…and now that beautiful baby girl with big blue eyes, who I’m sure will look just like you—the one at her grandpa’s house in the pink hat with fake yellow glasses. I’ll never forget that girl.
good luck out there. here’s to the best mom a girl could ask for.
ps. if you’re reading this — that’s one thing we still have in common.
"My darling, I’m waiting for you — how long is a day in the dark, or a week? The fire is gone now, and I’m horribly cold. I really ought to drag myself outside but then there would be the sun… I’m afraid I waste the light on the paintings and on writing these words. We die, we die rich with lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have entered and swum up like rivers, fears we have hidden in, like this wretched cave. We are the real countries, not the boundaries drawn on maps with the names of powerful men. I know you will come and carry me out into the palace of winds. That’s all I’ve wanted — to walk in such a place with you, with friends, on earth without maps.”
—K from “the English Patient”
Getting caught up, switching to my left, playing the last card in the deck
Skipping curb to curb, you pull me on a saturday, forgotten by sunday
How lovely to turn & turn back again — warm glows & harsh blows
Steady, steady I keep my pace — shadows and shapes — keep seeing your face
Nevermind, cause I got mine
trailing behind me
What you can’t see, brushes up behind you
whispers in the night, echoes my ears
It’s not you I fear — but your little ghosts who tease just to please
I’d hold you tight, but instead I let you go in a fight
in a fright.
Picking up the pieces, only to let it shatter.
There’s no time—but I got mine.
Nobody, no matter.
(ps. I don’t write poems, so you have to RAP this)
You’re going to go crazy—put yourself right in the looney bin. No one HUMAN can beat what religion provides the soul—and some people are too weak to live without it. You have to let go and find your peace even if they won’t give it you.